his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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