I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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