wanna go halves on a baby?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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