The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
