it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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