we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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