I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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