How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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