i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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