Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
