I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
