where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
