The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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