3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
