If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
