When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize