Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize