It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
