12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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