New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
