Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize