Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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