New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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