Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
