If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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