she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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