I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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