Porn is love you can see.
I'm passing your future prison.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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