I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
