my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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