I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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