I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
