I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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