Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
