did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
