I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
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IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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