i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He did a backflip because drugs
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
