My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
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I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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