And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
