ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
