oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
