Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
