Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
