just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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