Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
