I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
