My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
