I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
