today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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