just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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