i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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