Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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