i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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