Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i love accidental penises.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
