I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
